While I was still at the [un]safe house, time came to move out of my duplex in North Idaho. I knew what I had written down on the decree to receive, which was more or less everything essential for the stability, normalcy, and safety of the children. Oh, and I definitely wanted my bed since I was the only one who slept on it for the most part. The ex preferred either the couch, the floor, or the office floor downstairs next to his ballistic gear. That song "Cold as Ice" comes to mind. You've heard it, I'm sure.
If I remember correctly, as it was all such a blur, I had to hire movers. The protection order meant I could not set foot on the property unless he was off the premises. Law enforcement was to work with me in this regard, whenever I set up the day for the civil assist. I must say, for all of the many times I spoke to them on the phone, and I mean I was practically on first-name basis with a few of them during this time, giving and receiving updates, they were less than helpful when I really needed them to come through. I was afraid the day of the protection order hearing, but this time, I was paralyzed. I was told the morning the movers were to go to the house that my almost ex husband had movers there the day before. I was literally standing in the UHaul place when they told me that if I set foot in that house, I was going to jail. Period.
But I thought you were supposed to defend me.
"The protection order states that you are to remove HIM from the property so I can get my stuff out!"
"Well ma'am, I'm not sure what you're talking about, but didn't he tell you, because he told us, that he was having movers there yesterday?"
"SIR! I HAVE A PROTECTION ORDER! How in the world would I know what he has or has not done?? All I want to do is feel safe going over there. Can you or can you not provide a civil assist? The movers are AT the duplex, RIGHT NOW!"
"Well, if you want to make a copy of that and bring it to the sheriff's department, we can have someone look over it to possibly approve what you're suggesting. It's not something we normally do. We don't have it on file and I don't have notes here staying any of this."
"Look. The judge wrote it in. How is it a fault to me that your officers don't have notes? You said you briefed about my situation this morning -- and yet this is the best you have to offer? I feel like I'm being brushed aside or maybe it's just that you don't want to deal with him, either. But my life is in danger around this guy and you said your lives are potentially at risk which is why he's an 'officer security risk.' I thought you'd have more to say than this. I don't have time to bring you a copy! Movers are at my house right now! And so what you're telling me is you're above the judge in a civil case? I don't think that's correct, sir. Will you please have someone go to my house and make sure he leaves?!"
"SIR! I HAVE A PROTECTION ORDER! How in the world would I know what he has or has not done?? All I want to do is feel safe going over there. Can you or can you not provide a civil assist? The movers are AT the duplex, RIGHT NOW!"
"Well, if you want to make a copy of that and bring it to the sheriff's department, we can have someone look over it to possibly approve what you're suggesting. It's not something we normally do. We don't have it on file and I don't have notes here staying any of this."
"Look. The judge wrote it in. How is it a fault to me that your officers don't have notes? You said you briefed about my situation this morning -- and yet this is the best you have to offer? I feel like I'm being brushed aside or maybe it's just that you don't want to deal with him, either. But my life is in danger around this guy and you said your lives are potentially at risk which is why he's an 'officer security risk.' I thought you'd have more to say than this. I don't have time to bring you a copy! Movers are at my house right now! And so what you're telling me is you're above the judge in a civil case? I don't think that's correct, sir. Will you please have someone go to my house and make sure he leaves?!"
I was shouting on the inside. What he heard was a twinge of exasperation. Maybe a few cracks in my voice. I had to be stronger than they expected me to. I dared not break. I dared not show my true emotions. They didn't give a damn about me.
A very close friend of mine drove their van to the UHaul store with me to get the UHaul truck with supplies over to my place to meet the movers.
Guess who was still on the property!!!
Yes. Oh yes, he was. With every door and window open for the elements to destroy. It was raining somewhat.
And guess who was NOT there!
That's right. Law enforcement.
So my friend, who wasn't supposed to have been in contact with me, saw the shit head. She saw him piling things into the car and she had a sick feeling there wasn't much left to move out.
Police came in a bit, and talked to him and he left. I was instructed by my friend to take myself out for coffee. A while later, I received a video clip on my phone. It was the remains of what was in the house. I had a horrible feeling about this day, and now I knew why.
He took our oldest son's bed.
He took all vital records.
He took my family rings.
He took the kids' favorite books.
He took my family rings.
He took the kids' favorite books.
He took all of my photography for my photography business (I was just starting out, too)
He took all of the photography I shot for a non-profit organization
He took the money out of our son's wallet!
He took the couch, book shelves, other furniture, the pot to the crock pot, my favorite spices, the tv, all of my stationary and photos from my childhood, the wedding album (which I found interesting and I'm really GLAD he has), the vows, threw my books all over, took my interlinear Bible sent to me by a friend of mine, an older woman, took my concordance, and definitely read through my journals. He took the grill/smoker, took pieces of my van, took the coffee table, the floor lamp, etc etc.
He made his mark. He made his statement.
But... I kept going. Had to. I showed up at the house despite the fact that I really could have gone to jail and lost everything, and I walked around screaming "You're an asshole!!!" at the top of my lungs, apologizing to the movers for my horrible mouth between every breath.
What was left went into a storage unit. And my nerves.... they were shot. All I wanted was a drink, and I hardly ever drink. The terror of going into that house, the condition he left it in... it was horrible. And that sneaky bastard happened to get in there the day before me with movers? Wow.
I found out from there he took himself across Washington to a VA hospital out there where he tried to check himself in as homeless, but they did a check on his finances and found out he had.... about 10k cash in his pocket. He was mad because they didn't think he belonged there. He could pay for a hotel!
From there, he was helped out by the Wounded Warrior Project: Room and board until he could get into inpatient. Then he was inpatient for a bit and I found out where. His doctor called the church to ask me questions and the pastor contacted me to let me know. I got an organization involved on my behalf because I wasn't supposed to have third party communication. But then the doctor wanted to talk to me directly to find out exactly what the deal with him was. And guess what. I reported EVERYTHING. I reported having met with the FBI by this point and having met with CPS by this point, and having a domestic violence advocate by this point, and divorce pending at this point, and staying in a shelter, etc etc. The doctor said "Oh my. We haven't gotten that impression from him at all." I said "I'm certain you're telling me the truth, because he's a master manipulator and he's been bullshitting your entire system for years!! Just wait. He will walk out of that program there as soon as you tell him about CPS, as soon as you make a treatment plan with him, and as soon as you call him on anything."
The very next day, not even joking, he booked it. He told people the VA kicked him out, but that's not what happened because I spoke to his doctor to confirm it. No no, he took himself out! And then he allowed the Wounded Warrior Project to "help him" by paying for a hotel room for him so "poor me" didn't "have to" stay in his car. He never had to! Their plan was to get him into an extended, 3 week on, 1 week off, 3 week on, and so on and so forth inpatient program in a different location: a PTSD domiciliary. He went the three weeks. And then.... he left. In fact, he left the entire region of the country, forfeited his service dog, turned to drinking, and God knows how much sexual immorality. Gross. He moved into a place with a shady, unstable, majorly depressed friend who has been fired from jobs because of his own character flaws.
The very next day, not even joking, he booked it. He told people the VA kicked him out, but that's not what happened because I spoke to his doctor to confirm it. No no, he took himself out! And then he allowed the Wounded Warrior Project to "help him" by paying for a hotel room for him so "poor me" didn't "have to" stay in his car. He never had to! Their plan was to get him into an extended, 3 week on, 1 week off, 3 week on, and so on and so forth inpatient program in a different location: a PTSD domiciliary. He went the three weeks. And then.... he left. In fact, he left the entire region of the country, forfeited his service dog, turned to drinking, and God knows how much sexual immorality. Gross. He moved into a place with a shady, unstable, majorly depressed friend who has been fired from jobs because of his own character flaws.
Meanwhile, life has only improved on my end. I received a recommendation for my dog to be my service dog so my anxiety wasn't AS bad, I worked a TON on my relationship with my oldest son and it's vastly improved, I moved into an apartment with my little amount of things (and that's okay because I'm not a materialistic woman anyway -- it's kept me humble), I got the children residual income through the ex's SSDI, SSI is pending for the baby, all of our medical needs are ok, food is okay, and I'm working on the rest of it. I applied myself to online college as a Psychology major with a Christian Counseling Cognate, and I start tomorrow. My faith is strong and grows stronger daily. I'm exercising consistently. I'm eating well. I have some incredible friends, too, both near and far. I reconciled with my family, I have cut ties with his. I am closer to elders in my church, and I can think on my own and set my own boundaries, and I'm loving it because no one has been disrespectful to me, because I respect myself! I'm processing things and I'm so much happier to be away from him.
So.
Much.
Happier.
He can keep the things he kept. I did not ask for child support, either. He can keep it all. Everything he has is because I fought for him to get it. I may have mentioned it before, but I really do think $4k a month is a lot for a divorced and unemployable bum. But it's okay, you know? I have peace about my actions. I have remained pure.
A few of my friends suggested I have some fun. One friend boldly suggested I just go and kiss a few guys. At least one. Rebound isn't my thing, though. I will wait. I would be so scared to kiss someone and then have to give account for my actions down the road to my sons. I tremble at the very thought of such an act. Just a kiss? What the hell is "just a kiss" anyway? It's laughable. Women with integrity don't "just kiss."
But let's be honest here. I lost a marriage, I lost my sense of financial security, I lost my tie to the military, I lost hope that counseling would be effective, I lost hope that God actually wanted to restore my marriage. It was toxic. I learned a lot about how faith plays into reality and I'm going to learn a lot more about wisdom and folly and how often we put faith in front of folly when really we should just be using the wisdom God already spelled out in Scripture instead of playing Russian Roulette with what we hope for because we hope for things that are foolish and against God. Oh, did you see that? I found Pandora's box and opened it a crack and closed it back up again! Ha.
I have had a lot of flashbacks of the last look around that safe house, the way I scrubbed anywhere my feet rested just before I left, the way I packed up the back of my van so meticulously, you could tell if you stood there next to me that I had been in survival mode for quite a while. If I'm really honest, it's been that way for years, with as much instability as my ex husband provided.... "survivor" has been my role as much as it was his, only I am not so quick to say "I am barely surviving" when I know that I have a future ahead of me. I did not think I'd be able to settle again for a very long time, nor have a sense of safety, true. I carried myself that way, too: very restrained. I made sure the place looked better than it looked when I arrived, however. That's how I do things. I like to leave a mark, albeit foreign to others! I left a very warm note on the door for the staff of the place. I'll never know on this side of Heaven who actually received that note. It's not important. It needed to be written. They were kind to me. Still, a sense of scrutiny crawled under my veins as I left, like resentful residents wanted to send me off with their covetousness. Their own short sweet nothings resembled "off with you, bitch!" I remember I received a lovely care package from a dear sister of mine a few thousand miles away for the purpose of picking up my spirits. She had been through domestic violence at the hand of a Marine herself. What a comfort she was. But in that summer humid hot house, one resident sat on the couch gawking, back and forth between her sorry text messages and the box I was opening, chanting, "I'm so jealous, I'm so jealous." The same day, John Legend's "All Of Me" was put on repeat. Some band-aids.... *women are crazy!!!* True enough, you don't hear a song like that differently, with less of a desire to have a functioning and healthy relationship, when you hear it in a white washed tomb of a place like that safe house. It's turned into a song of displacement, but a theme song, and a song of hope. Maybe it's just a fantasy.
I'm thinking too much.
This morning I was reminded of the following: Believing in Jesus is just as important as obeying Him and those who claim they believe in Him but don't obey as evidence of their faith provide ample reason to doubt their claim to faith.
He lost me, he lost his children, and he failed the test. He didn't even give a forwarding address, so his divorce decree actually came to me, and then went into dead mail. Idiot. Since I'm working relentlessly on my self-esteem these days, I'm going to go ahead and say he lost a gem. I think I'm worthy of much better. I will treat myself right because I love the Lord. I will treat myself right because the Lord loves me. Never again will I allow myself or my children to be abused. I won because God is my witness and my protector, my rock and my salvation. Of whom do I really need to fear? I'll stick with counseling, I'll work my program, and I will absolutely grow in grace and mercy and wisdom and truth and Spirit. I have, I am, and I will. Exciting. I am so glad I am His.
Thinking back to the first entry in this blog, there's a major change already. I guess I just needed to get it all out of my system. I want to apologize to my self for making myself blush so badly as I typed out those words. Who really wants to hear about sexual abuse I've been through? Not me. Especially not with such profanity. I did not like my reflection in the mirror much after I wrote it out.
But I don't have that rage inside me anymore. It's just.... gone. I hope I never have it again, because Lord, have mercy, it was so uncharacteristic of me. It needed to come out, though. I never mean to justify a foul mouth, much less from a lady, but that's as far as my vengeance will ever go. Anger at sin.
I lost my hatred. I'm nearing the point of forgiveness. I mean, I'm not quite there yet, but the more I accomplish on my own, the easier it gets. I know that right now, as I'm writing this, I am not even bitter. Maybe I'm just too sleepy to be bitter, but unloading my thoughts helps me rest well. One thing I am thankful for in all of this is that I have not become a feminist. I was when I was younger. Ew. I'm not interested in saying men are evil or all men are pigs or men think with the wrong head. No way. I had a really bad run with my ex husband. Ok. The end. There is good reason he IS the ex. My, how he held me back! But I don't hate the gender. Men are amazing. Their simplicity is strikingly intriguing. And then there are those who are more complex. They're even more intriguing. Pretend you can see my smile.
My goal is never to speak ill of the ex in front of the children or even behind the children, although that might be a far stretch, but the goal includes conversation through body language. Stiffening up and turning away counts. I have to relearn how to think and be unafraid of who I am now. I am forever changed, but I know I am also forever changed for God's glory, for His purposes. I have no reason to fear what He will do in and through me. He is beautiful and kind, and His kindness leads me to repentance. May I continue to lose my flesh and take up my cross for the sake of honoring Him.
A few of my friends suggested I have some fun. One friend boldly suggested I just go and kiss a few guys. At least one. Rebound isn't my thing, though. I will wait. I would be so scared to kiss someone and then have to give account for my actions down the road to my sons. I tremble at the very thought of such an act. Just a kiss? What the hell is "just a kiss" anyway? It's laughable. Women with integrity don't "just kiss."
But let's be honest here. I lost a marriage, I lost my sense of financial security, I lost my tie to the military, I lost hope that counseling would be effective, I lost hope that God actually wanted to restore my marriage. It was toxic. I learned a lot about how faith plays into reality and I'm going to learn a lot more about wisdom and folly and how often we put faith in front of folly when really we should just be using the wisdom God already spelled out in Scripture instead of playing Russian Roulette with what we hope for because we hope for things that are foolish and against God. Oh, did you see that? I found Pandora's box and opened it a crack and closed it back up again! Ha.
I have had a lot of flashbacks of the last look around that safe house, the way I scrubbed anywhere my feet rested just before I left, the way I packed up the back of my van so meticulously, you could tell if you stood there next to me that I had been in survival mode for quite a while. If I'm really honest, it's been that way for years, with as much instability as my ex husband provided.... "survivor" has been my role as much as it was his, only I am not so quick to say "I am barely surviving" when I know that I have a future ahead of me. I did not think I'd be able to settle again for a very long time, nor have a sense of safety, true. I carried myself that way, too: very restrained. I made sure the place looked better than it looked when I arrived, however. That's how I do things. I like to leave a mark, albeit foreign to others! I left a very warm note on the door for the staff of the place. I'll never know on this side of Heaven who actually received that note. It's not important. It needed to be written. They were kind to me. Still, a sense of scrutiny crawled under my veins as I left, like resentful residents wanted to send me off with their covetousness. Their own short sweet nothings resembled "off with you, bitch!" I remember I received a lovely care package from a dear sister of mine a few thousand miles away for the purpose of picking up my spirits. She had been through domestic violence at the hand of a Marine herself. What a comfort she was. But in that summer humid hot house, one resident sat on the couch gawking, back and forth between her sorry text messages and the box I was opening, chanting, "I'm so jealous, I'm so jealous." The same day, John Legend's "All Of Me" was put on repeat. Some band-aids.... *women are crazy!!!* True enough, you don't hear a song like that differently, with less of a desire to have a functioning and healthy relationship, when you hear it in a white washed tomb of a place like that safe house. It's turned into a song of displacement, but a theme song, and a song of hope. Maybe it's just a fantasy.
I'm thinking too much.
This morning I was reminded of the following: Believing in Jesus is just as important as obeying Him and those who claim they believe in Him but don't obey as evidence of their faith provide ample reason to doubt their claim to faith.
2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves, to see whether you are in the faith. Test yourselves. Or do you not realize this about yourselves, that Jesus Christ is in you?—unless indeed you fail to meet the test!"I won't fail this one. Many have I failed. So very many. But no, not this one. It's not going to happen.
He lost me, he lost his children, and he failed the test. He didn't even give a forwarding address, so his divorce decree actually came to me, and then went into dead mail. Idiot. Since I'm working relentlessly on my self-esteem these days, I'm going to go ahead and say he lost a gem. I think I'm worthy of much better. I will treat myself right because I love the Lord. I will treat myself right because the Lord loves me. Never again will I allow myself or my children to be abused. I won because God is my witness and my protector, my rock and my salvation. Of whom do I really need to fear? I'll stick with counseling, I'll work my program, and I will absolutely grow in grace and mercy and wisdom and truth and Spirit. I have, I am, and I will. Exciting. I am so glad I am His.
Thinking back to the first entry in this blog, there's a major change already. I guess I just needed to get it all out of my system. I want to apologize to my self for making myself blush so badly as I typed out those words. Who really wants to hear about sexual abuse I've been through? Not me. Especially not with such profanity. I did not like my reflection in the mirror much after I wrote it out.
But I don't have that rage inside me anymore. It's just.... gone. I hope I never have it again, because Lord, have mercy, it was so uncharacteristic of me. It needed to come out, though. I never mean to justify a foul mouth, much less from a lady, but that's as far as my vengeance will ever go. Anger at sin.
I lost my hatred. I'm nearing the point of forgiveness. I mean, I'm not quite there yet, but the more I accomplish on my own, the easier it gets. I know that right now, as I'm writing this, I am not even bitter. Maybe I'm just too sleepy to be bitter, but unloading my thoughts helps me rest well. One thing I am thankful for in all of this is that I have not become a feminist. I was when I was younger. Ew. I'm not interested in saying men are evil or all men are pigs or men think with the wrong head. No way. I had a really bad run with my ex husband. Ok. The end. There is good reason he IS the ex. My, how he held me back! But I don't hate the gender. Men are amazing. Their simplicity is strikingly intriguing. And then there are those who are more complex. They're even more intriguing. Pretend you can see my smile.
My goal is never to speak ill of the ex in front of the children or even behind the children, although that might be a far stretch, but the goal includes conversation through body language. Stiffening up and turning away counts. I have to relearn how to think and be unafraid of who I am now. I am forever changed, but I know I am also forever changed for God's glory, for His purposes. I have no reason to fear what He will do in and through me. He is beautiful and kind, and His kindness leads me to repentance. May I continue to lose my flesh and take up my cross for the sake of honoring Him.
"7 But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ.
8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ
9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—
10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.
12 Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own,
because Christ Jesus has made me his own.
13 Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own.
But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
15 Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise,
God will reveal that also to you. 16 Only let us hold true to what we have attained."
Philippians 3:7-16 ESV
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